I originally wrote this for Babygirl of the Week, but I thought it might be most fitting to post on Bucky's birthday, which is March 10! Incidentally, that's also Mario Day. Huh.

So! For those of you uninitiated, hi! I’m Yoro. I run this little thing where I occasionally write about people who I’ve been reading fanfiction for. If I’m being real honest, I’ve been struggling! Since 2024, my life has been this topsy turvy whole… mess. A lot of life changes, a lot of loss, and a lot of grief. I fell into a pretty deep depression, one that I’m still trying to come out of to this day. So, because of that, I sorta stopped updating this thing. I found I rarely had the energy to. I stopped engaging in my usual hobbies. Even things that brought me so much joy had unfortunately since stopped doing so, including fanfiction.

Some days, my life just felt like this blur, like I was living for the few hours where I had no responsibility, just being able to lie down and doomscroll through things that would give me a few milliseconds of happiness before I moved on to the next silly funny TikTok. I’d stay up until like, 2AM when I had to wake up at 7AM, 4 when I had to wake up at 9. It’s a habit I’m still trying to break out of.

I felt like my life was just…kinda empty. I love streaming of course, but I was just missing that spark, what I had before 2024. Some days felt unbearable. And then one day, in late December of 2024, early January of 2025, something just…kinda fell into place.

I was struggling with it for a while. The last few weeks of December felt sort of like a relief, knowing that maybe I’d be done with this shitshow of a year and then move onto something bigger and better. Hoping would be a better word. I had started to play Marvel Rivals (despite my well known intense hatred of superheroes), and there was something about it that kinda just stuck with me, for whatever reason. It was essentially just Overwatch, and the only main draw for me initially was that everybody was playing it, and it was free. It was good fun. I found a main almost instantly. Of course, being into Deadpool and Wolverine at the time, I immediately gravitated towards playing Wolverine.

But, I’d spotted a character that I hadn’t really thought about 2016 about, when I was a little loser nerd in high school that who adored superheroes (bleh!) and felt self conscious about how I walked funny (undiagnosed autism!). It was the Winter Soldier, or Bucky, or James Buchanan Barnes, whatever you like to internally call him. His design really struck me, because it was so different than the MCU one. I should let it be known, I’ve never read any of, what we call in the industry, Western Manga, so of course the only design I actually had ever heard of was the MCU one. Either way, I really liked his design. Especially his hair. It was good.

Overtime, I started to reminisce about those days in high school. I try to never get lost in nostalgia, though–It only makes you sad as hell. But nonetheless, I just found myself thinking about it. There was a time when I was a freshman, still deep into my MCU phase that I knew a girl who was just. ABSOLUTELY BOY CRAZY. Like, god. If you think I’m bad…

We were just freshmen at the time. I had just started to realize that I was, in fact, heterosexual; yet, I was for some reason feeling a weird sense of shame about it? I honestly don’t care enough to unpack that right now–but the bottom line is that this girl, let’s call her Jessica, was a stark contrast to me. Jessica was one of the prettier girls in our year and was taking drama. She had a lot of friends, and even hung out with some of the popular kids. And like I said, she was the most boy crazy person I had ever met until that point.

And yet, we befriended each other.I had worn a Supernatural shirt the first day of P.E. where the teachers just kinda go “okay guys! We’re gonna exercise! Have your parents sign this form or whatever!” and we were walking to get our lockers assigned. Jessica scurried up to me in all of her 4’5 glory and asked, “You like Supernatural? I love your shirt! Where did you get it?!”

I just stared at her for a moment, stunned that somebody like Jessica was even perceiving my physical form. In middle school, I was adopted socially by a group of lesbian furries and fudanshi T-boys. The only looks I got from girls of her caliber were gawks and grimaces.
“I-I…I got it at Hot Topic,” I stammered in response. “The one..n-not the one on this-and-that street. The one in the mall.”

And from then on, every day at 10:15 AM, we’d walk lazy circles around the dirt track as she yapped my ear off about boys. Real boys, fictional boys, it didn’t matter. I was happy to listen, happy to have someone to talk to about my budding feelings of heterosexuality with. On occasion I would voice my attraction to a fictional character from whatever show she was yammering on about, and I would be met with solidarity–and sometimes a suggestion about who my next target of attraction should be. And this background knowledge brings me to a particular conversation we had.

It was rainy outside, so we had all shuffled into the gym with two options; walk around the perimeter of the gym, or play basketball. Yeah, like we’re fucking playing ball, man. We were walking that perimeter at a pace that a geriatric would speed past. So we were there walking and talking. Captain America: Civil War was rumored to be a project sometime soon, bringing us to, of course, who was the hottest guy.

“You know, Yoro, you’ve always struck me as a Bucky Girl,” Jessica had said. We were trudging along, our quiet conversation punctuated by the squeaks of sneakers and the endless echoey thudding of basketballs missing the damn hoop. I remember blushing, laughing. The idea wasn’t really funny to me–I was more anticipating that I’d have to tell her who I was really into.
“Well, I dunno…I prefer Cap, myself.” I remember laughing again. It was more of a giggle, really. I was giddy with delight that I could finally tell somebody that wasn’t one of my 15 followers on tumblr that yes, I found Captain America, portrayed by a very young and very buff Chris Evans, attractive. VERY attractive.

Jessica gave me this look. Like, a smirk. Her eyes narrowed into a squint. Her eyes gleaming with this…mischievousness, almost. Like she had just come up with some sacred knowledge that was going to change my life forever.

“Okay, Yoro. But imagine…”

I nodded.

“Both of them. At once.”

The most prominent memory I have of this event is the way I felt my entire face burning, including my ears. She started laughing at me, because my eyes had practically bugged out of my skull. I was only about 14, max. I had just realized that I could even like men. The visions of…the unholy, sinful activities that this girl–the same age as me, mind you–had conjured up with just two telegraphic sentences was too much for me to handle. I erupted into this fit of giggles, flustered as I furiously shook my head, denying that I would ever do such a thing. I remember then that the subject changed to Armie Hammer and Henry Cavill in that one movie, The Man from U.N.C.L.E., (which I should really rewatch sometime) and then, the day going on about as usual.

I never really did get into Bucky during those days, but that conversation always stuck out to me.

Which is why, maybe 10 or so years later, as I found myself in artist alley at ALA standing in front of a booth that held a wonderfully potent amount of Bucky merch, that conversation rang through my head. Yoro, you’ve always struck me as a Bucky Girl. 

'I was always more of a Cap Girl myself,' I found myself repeating. I mean, he was easy to love. If I’m being honest, I think he still sorta acts as a paragon of my ideal guy. Incredibly kindhearted, a little dumb, with that old-fashioned gentlemanly charm. Also really fuckign buff. Yeahhh.

But I was a changed woman now, standing in that convention center. Still the exact same level of cringe. Just weaponized. But I was also…different from that girl who giggled with excitement confessing to her classmate that she had a crush on Captain America. I had a probably permanent set of dark circles under my eyes with some eyebags to match. I was working a part time job that was draining and forced me to mask my typical On The Spectrum Shenanigans. I tried my fucking hardest on the weekends to entertain a group of people while trying to come up with ways to remain relevant in an industry that was constantly spewing out new people who were brighter, funnier, and more charming than you ever thought you could be.

Gone was the bright eyed AP Student who would make shitty deep fried memes, the likes of which you could somehow still find to this day on certain anime subreddits–who had dreams of working with Hideo Kojima on the next Metal Gear Solid, who slept before 12 AM. Here, before this humble Hoyoverse and MCU themed booth, was a depressed and lonely 20 something year old who found herself settling on a more humble dream of trying to hit 100 CCV on Twitch; with a wallet full of cash, and a strange tugging in her heart as her eyes rested on the Winter Solider merch before her.

The artist manning the booth was incredibly sweet, in over her head with the sheer amount of people participating in the Hoyoverse stamp rally coming to collect their prizes. And yet, she greeted me with a bright, friendly smile. I remember making a snap decision before she spoke as my eyes took in all the merch before me.

“I’ll be right with you in a second!”

“Oh no, take your time. I’ve got a big order.”

One of my best friends (and the few friends I actually have), we’ll call her Aria, stood next to me, patiently waiting. She didn’t like anime, but she was here because there was a voice actor she really wanted to meet. Funnily enough, I had met her in high school. She stood staring listlessly into the distance, her mind clearly elsewhere as we were crammed around the booth with other people waiting to get their merch. I looked at her and felt glad that she clearly wasn’t paying attention to what I was eyeing.

The artist at the booth thanked me for my patience and asked me what I wanted.

“Give me one of every Bucky item you have,” I found myself saying.

I remember hearing some murmurs from the small crowd waiting for their turn, that sounded almost…impressed? I remembered feeling a giggle bubble up from my throat, and my face burning. I remembered seeing the artist’s face light up, because little did I know, she loved Bucky just as much as I would eventually come to. I remembered Jessica.

I wondered how she was doing.

As we headed back to convene with the missing member of our Weird Girl Trio, let’s call her Lana, Aria mischievously told her that we had been gone so long because Yoro here had to order an entire stock of Bucky merch. (By the way, please support the artist! She was super sweet.)

That sort of marked a turning point in my “yumeship journey”, I’ll call it. That’s right, we’re still talking about how much I love Bucky. Did you forget, reading all the sentimental bullshit I wrote to fluff up this word count!?

But yeah, I started slowly drawing closer and closer to that strange figure from my past. In some weird fucking coincidence, my local movie theater–at the same mall I got the Supernatural shirt all those years ago–was hosting a triple feature of all 3 Captain America movies. My little brother wanted to check it out, and we had to buy our parents Christmas presents there anyways, so it worked out. While my brother and I not only left early but also shitposted the entire time, it was just another sort of nudge in that direction. Given that I had not paid any attention to the main Bucky movie, I made it a begrudging (remember, I hate superheroes) point to watch it with my community during a discord movie night.

Something clicked. Maybe it was seeing a sad, wet Sebastian Stan staring into the camera, his eyes glazed over and lip quivering as he murmured how he recognized the 6’4 hot blonde guy who once aroused me as a teenager on the bridge. Maybe it was the fact that secretly, I had already started to consume Bucky fanfic en masse, reverting back to my weird middle school shame about liking men. Maybe it was because Bucky reminded me of a time long past where I was actually happy. Or maybe, just maybe, in that poor, disillusioned and guilt-ridden man, who was fighting tooth and fucking nail against the odds to become a better person despite his trauma trying to drag him down into the mud…I saw myself. Or, maybe in finding him worthy of love, I found that maybe someone as stupid and fucked up like me could be worthy of love? Maybe? I wouldn’t know. Because if I’m being honest, I’ve been trying to psychoanalyze myself about this for months to no avail. Is it that shrimple? I dunno.

But after that, I started to not only see more of him (shoutouts my TikTok spy preordering my hyperfixations!!!), but I felt like I wanted to see more of him. I bought a plush, got a great deal on nendoroids, and it wasn’t before long that I noticed I was actually reading fanfic again. I was blushing and giggling and kicking my feet in bed just like I had before 2024. I kept seeing more TikToks about this one book called Cold Front, and bought it on an impulse buy. I started reading physical media again. Hell, look at this right now. I’m actually fucking WRITING something here. Recently, I’m getting back into TTRPG after nearly a year of being too unmotivated to play anything, spending hours writing about my OCs, making memes of them, drawing them. After a shit ass fucking year feeling like I had nothing to live for at times, I actually found myself looking forwards to getting up in the morning to excitedly tell my community about this guy. I would get gimmicks from Strawpage and giggle because they were doodles of me and Bucky, or questions about what I liked about him.

While we’re on that topic…If I’m being real, the biggest thing I like about Bucky is probably just the fact that he tries despite everything. Despite the odds, he wants to be a better person. He wants to push forwards, even if it seems like everything–including himself–is holding him back. Of course, I also like the fact that he’s a well written, multifaceted character. He’s pretty versatile, and I think that’s why I like him. There’s something for every part of my tastes. If I feel soft and want to love something, he’s a character that needs love. If I feel ugly and unwanted, he’s also a fiercely kind character that can give me love. He can be flirty and charming and sweep you off your feet, be gruff and assertive on your behalf, and I guess the biggest thing is that while I’d feel taken care of, I’d feel like I could take care of him too. I think that is a big thing that I hope for in a relationship, if I am ever lucky enough to attract someone at all. Someone who can take care of me, but someone I can take care of as well. Someone I can dedicate my entire heart to, but who will also dedicate theirs to me. Which again, I feel like Bucky’s character warrants. I guess I also feel like he's a part of me, too. It’s weird. I’m honestly not sure if I’m doing my feelings justice here.

I’m happy to see him in that Brave New World cameo and, seeming emotionally healthy, able to joke around freely without malice. Part of me felt a bit of hope, seeing him act so…happy. After watching his journey of recovery, it gave me this flicker of hope in me as I sat in that theater. Like, maybe I could get to that point too. Busy, but happy. Recovered. I just wonder how long it will take.

But thanks to Bucky, I started finding joy in things that I hadn’t in a long time. I started finding joy, period. And god, does it feel great. And I fucking owe it to a Marvel Character of all things. My worst fucking enemy. Do you know how embarrassing it is?! As a sworn superhero hater? As a supervillain?! It’s VERY fucking embarrassing!

And the thing is, right? Like…I hired somebody to help me kinda do like, a focus group type of moment; so I could figure out what steps I could take to take my content from good to great. The content specialist told me that I should have like…a guy I really like. Because a lot of VTubers have a dude that they really like. Like how Alice Sawyer has Jason Voorhees, or Henemimi has Leon S. Kennedy. And that’s like…their GUY. And you know, I really struggled with this. I mean, to me, this is like proposing to ONE character and that guys gonna be MY GUY. FOREVER! The prospect of that is pretty scary, especially if you’ve seen my Yume List…which, since the appearance of Bucky, I’ve been heavily considering trimming down. Can you believe it!? What the fuck!? I’m settling down!? It’s a very weird and very scary feeling as a longtime Yumeship Hopper. W-what if we get married!?!? Honestly, some of these feelings are still very overwhelming. I haven't felt like this for a Yumeship before...I also feel actually insane right all of this, to some extent.

But…yeah. I’ve been taking care of myself more (still working on this), treating myself with a bit more kindness that I had in the past year, or even past few years. I don’t beat myself up as much over things I can’t control, and I try my best to cut myself some slack if I’m struggling on certain things. I still need to fix my sleep schedule, though. But sometimes a twitter post saying “Your F/O is upset that you’re still up right now” will make me go :( no bucky im sorry... .and I’ll try to sleep. I just hope my insomnia gets better. Joker Gives You a Haircut ASMR goes so far.

This is still pretty embarrassing to me, but what can I say? The blorbo makes me happy, a lot. And I mean, look at you. You’re probably in the same boat as me. You’re depressed as shit, and you’re just trying to get some serotonin boost or something reading this instead of doom scrolling on twitter. Well, if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading this fucking wall of text.
And secondly, I hope you know that you’re deserving of happiness, whoever you are. Take care of yourself. And you know what? Fuck it. Go back to your childhood. Your teenage years. Look at that weird hobby you picked up that you dropped because you felt you grew out of it. Get back into it. Enjoy it. Maybe it’ll do you good. Go watch some 2013 Let’s Players play RPG Horror games, or read that self insert fanfic about Tali from Mass Effect that you got a boner to and felt really bad about. Listen to fucking Ke$ha, I don’t give a shit.

Just do something. Do something you love. Connect with yourself. And for the love of Christ, don’t beat yourself up for what you’ve done, or what you didn’t do. You’re a human being and you’re doing your best. I’m proud of you for surviving another day on this bitch of an earth. Because God knows it's hard. You’re a human being and you’re doing your best.

The world is changing, and times are scary. The world of your childhood is slowly dying an ugly, painful death. You’re losing people, places, things. You’re doing shit that you don’t want to do because you just need something, something to cope; and you’re hating yourself every second of it, and it makes you feel even fucking worse. It’s this vicious cycle. But you’re a human being and you’re doing your best.

I dunno. It’s like 2 AM and I’m just talking out of my ass. Peace and love on planet Earth, and all that. I’m listening to a Spotify playlist I made back in 2022, and I’m feeling nostalgic for a time long gone.

Slowly, but surely, I want to get better. It’s a long and hard road, and some days feel like I’ve regressed back to square one, but I’m hoping that one day, I can look back on this time period and go “Thank god I’m not there anymore!”
Every day, inch by inch, I’m working my way towards that day.

And I owe it all to some comic book character that was made in like the 50s, or something. Ain’t that a kick in the dick.

Anyways.

I love you, Bucky. ♡